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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23780854">marry me (but no homo)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/recycling_bin123/pseuds/recycling_bin123'>recycling_bin123</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Misunderstandings, Oblivious Simon, Pining, Plotting, simon is an idiot, the mage is a dick</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 21:07:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>17,756</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23780854</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/recycling_bin123/pseuds/recycling_bin123</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Sometimes,” Simon said, “there will be a trope with two people from rival families. And they’ll hate each at first, but then they fall in love, and their families see that it was stupid to fight and everything is happy in the end. Well, in most of them, sort of.”</p><p>“Snow,” Baz narrowed his eyes. He looked tense and poised to fight, “Where is this going?”</p><p>“Baz,” he swallowed, “Will you marry me?”</p><p>__</p><p>Simon has come up with the perfect plot to stop the war between the Mage and the Families. He just has to convince Baz to marry him first.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>508</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm pretending they're both eighteen before the start of eighth year whoops</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h5>Simon
</h5>
<p>Simon had never missed Watford more in his entire life. He thought he might suffocate under his longing. He thought this every summer, and it never stopped being true. This summer, however, was different. </p><p>Unlike most summers, not thinking about Watford wasn’t doing him any good. It was his last summer at the boys’ home, leading up to his last year at Watford. He pushed down the tightness in his chest at the thought of leaving Watford for good. He had more pressing things to worry about. Namely, the war. And the Humdrum. And the last day of seventh year, which he hadn’t stopped thinking about since summer started. He had tried to distract himself. There were books in the boys’ home - a weird collection of British classics and a slew of outdated YA novels meant for teenage Normals. Simon preoccupied himself by reading every single one of them. And even that didn’t help. All the things he didn’t want to think about were bubbling to the surface. </p><p>Like how Agatha had dumped him on the last day of school. Usually when she dumped him, he was anxious about trying to win her back, but Simon knew in his heart that this time, their breakup was permanent. Maybe that’s why he wasn’t all that bothered about it anymore. Or maybe it was because he was more concerned with thinking about Baz instead. </p><p>Baz, who apparently was never trying to steal his girlfriend. </p><p>Baz, who apparently was gay. </p><p>Baz, who apparently didn’t want to fight him. </p><p>Simon had learned all three of these revelations in the span of an argument on the last day of seventh year. The day had gone from bad to worse, and then from there to terrifying, disappointing, and inexplicably baffling. </p><p>He remembered seeing Agatha with Baz in the Wavering Wood and feeling the most jealous he had been in their entire relationship. Baz had this open, soft expression and was holding Agatha’s hands with his stupid perfect fingers while his stupid perfect hair looked good even while tousled. Before Simon could get their attention he and Penny were summoned by the Humdrum (who has his face. It was yet another thing Simon couldn’t stop thinking about). By the time they made it back to Watford, Simon had missed both lunch and dinner. He wasn’t about to miss his chance to confront Agatha. </p><p>“Agatha,” he panted, having raced all the way to the front steps to catch up with her. Maybe this is romantic, Simon thought, like the end of a Normal romcom. </p><p>“Simon,” Agatha replied, obviously surprised, “What happened to your uniform?” </p><p>Or maybe I just looked deranged, Simon cursed himself, Baz would probably look good in my position, the git. Baz would probably - wait, stop. I have to stay focused on - </p><p>“Agatha,” he said again, as if saying her name desperately enough would make her love him. Or at least stop holding hands with his mortal enemy. “There was - Humdrum. My face, but not really. Fire, Penny, you know.” He shrugged and hoped she would understand.  </p><p>“Well, I’m glad you’re back in time. I wanted to speak to you before I left.”</p><p>“You did?” A flicker of hope came back. </p><p>“I was worried this would have to wait until after the summer, but it’s better if we do this now,” she took a deep breath, “Simon, we need to break up.” </p><p>Simon sputtered. He knew he wasn’t doing himself any favors. There were so many things he wanted to say, about them and their history and their future, but the words that came out first weren’t about any of those things.</p><p>“Is this because of Baz?”</p><p>“Baz?”</p><p>“Don’t try to. I-In the woods. I saw you. And Baz. Holding hands. With Baz!” </p><p>Agatha sighed. It was a sigh Simon had gotten very familiar with in recent months. </p><p>“That wasn’t what you think. And me ending it? This is about us, not Baz. Sure, Baz is flirty and smart, and a good dancer-”</p><p>“And tall and fit and stupidly attractive, I know,” Simon said bitterly. Agatha gave him a look. “What? You know you were thinking it Aggie.” </p><p>“Sure. Whatever. Baz is all those things, but Simon,” Agatha looked at him softly, “We don’t work. You know we don’t work. You don’t want the things I want, and I don’t want to be the perfect girlfriend you want me to be.” </p><p>“But...Aggie,” his voice broke, “You’re supposed to be my future.”</p><p>Agatha sighed. </p><p>“Goodbye, Simon. I’ll see you in the fall.” And then she turned around and left, leaving Simon feeling absolutely untethered. He wandered back towards Mummers slowly. He hadn’t even started packing. Not that he owned that many things anyways, but he still needed to start.<br/>
Just as he got to the room and was about to open the door, it swung open, revealing Baz on the other side. Baz’ brief look of surprise and something else was quickly replaced by his signature smirk. </p><p>“Look who decided to be a useless annoyance one last time. I can’t wait to be rid of your ugly mug for the next three months,” Baz looked him up and down. Simon felt himself flush in embarrassment, “Crowley Snow, you look even worse than usual. And that’s saying something.”</p><p>That was the last straw. </p><p>Simon shoved Baz back into their room. </p><p>“Anathema!” Baz shouted before Simon could throw a punch. Still, he gripped the fabric of Baz’ shirt so tight it nearly ripped. Simon pressed him against the wall. </p><p>“You-you bloody arsehole! Y-you fucking,” Simon panted as his adrenaline spiked.</p><p>“Spit it out, Snow.” Baz looked cool and calm as always. (Stupid bloody perfect git). It didn’t help that Baz was taller than him even when Simon had the upper hand. </p><p>“Fucking wanker!” </p><p>“Impressive vocabulary as always.” And with that, Baz shoved him off. The force sent Simon stumbling back without messing up a single hair on Baz’ own stupidly perfect head. A familiar deep pool of hot frustration settled in Simon’s gut. </p><p>“Agatha broke up with me.” He said it accusingly. </p><p>“Oh no,” Baz replied sarcastically, “I hardly see how that concerns me.”</p><p>“I saw you today. In the woods.” Baz’ eyes widened just barely. “Holding hands.”</p><p>Baz swallowed and slowly let out a breath.  </p><p>“Look, Snow, as much as I love being blamed for your disastrous relationship, I’m not trying to date Agatha. Now if you’ll get out of my way, I have better places to be. Quit being a numpty and I’m sure she’ll take you back in a week.”</p><p>“You fucking liar.” It came out with more venom than he was expecting. “You’ve been trying to break us up since we started dating. Admit it, and I’ll get out of your way.”</p><p>“No.” Baz crossed his arms. </p><p>“Admit it.”</p><p>“I can’t admit to something that’s not true. Some bloody honorable Chosen One you are.”</p><p>“Admit it!”</p><p>“I’m not interested in Agatha!”</p><p>“Admit it!” Simon stepped closer.</p><p>“I’m gay you idiot!”</p><p>That shut Simon up real quick. </p><p>“Oh, bloody - argh!” Baz pushed past him. Simon let him. </p><p>“I-I’m sorry. I should’ve,” Simon gestured as he turned around to face Baz. He swallowed. “I won’t tell anyone. If you don’t want me to, that is.”</p><p>“I don’t care.” Baz said it as if he cared very much. </p><p>“I’ll tell you something embarrassing about me. Not that being gay is embarrassing! No-I’m not, uh…” He gulped. His mouth was always dry around Baz. “I mean, like, I’ll tell you something I don’t really want to tell you. If I have one of your secrets, it’s only fair that you should have one of mine.”</p><p>Baz was silent for a long time before collapsing onto his bed. </p><p>“I said I don’t care.”</p><p>Simon tugged his cross nervously. He took a long and shaky breath as he prepared the words he was going to say next. He didn’t want to mess it up. </p><p>“The Mage is going to lose the war. The Families are going to win.” </p><p>Baz sat up. </p><p>“Shut up. You don’t know that. How could you know that?”</p><p>“Because I’m not going to fight for him.”</p><p>“You say that,” Baz laughed dryly, “but I’ll guess we’ll see.”</p><p>“No, Baz, you don’t understand,” Simon needed to make him understand, “I decided, at the start of this year, that I don’t want to fight his war for him when the real enemy is the Humdrum.”</p><p>“And how, perchance, did someone as mind-numbingly loyal to the Mage as you, come to this decision exactly?”</p><p>“Oh, well. Y’know. Once I realized that I don’t want to kill you, that I don’t think I could ever kill you, the decision was easy.” </p><p>“You don’t think you’re capable of beating me in a fight? Or you don’t want to fight me?” Baz looked at him with suspicion. </p><p>“Both, probably. But the latter is why.” Simon looked at Baz in the face so that Baz could look him in the eye. “I don’t want to fight you Baz.”</p><p>He waited for a sarcastic remark from Baz. Or a laugh. Maybe Baz would kill him right now and the war would be over today. Instead Baz just looked at him. Simon wished he was closer so he could decipher the several complicated emotions that ran over his face. </p><p>“You know what, Snow,” he said with a sorrowful smile, “I don’t want to fight you either. But I don’t think either the Families or the Mage will let us do what we want.” </p><p>Simon opened his mouth to say something (possibly an accusation about a Chimera) but thought better of it. Before he could think of something else, Baz’ pocket buzzed. </p><p>Baz jumped, as if it were a surprise to him too. Baz pulled out a phone.  </p><p>“You’re not supposed to have that.” Simon said dumbly. </p><p>“Tell that to Bunce if you care so much.” Baz ran a hand through his hair. (Seriously, Simon thought, what product does he use? Or is that an undocumented vampire side effect?) Before Simon could say something even dumber, like how is your hair so smooth or can I feel it? Baz jumped up from the bed. “Shit. I have to go. Fiona’s been waiting for a half hour.”</p><p>Simon wanted desperately to make him stay and talk through the revelations they had just shared. Crowley, Simon thought, this changes everything. There doesn’t have to be a war. </p><p>Baz stopped at the doorway and looked back at Simon. He felt a surge of fleeting hope. He couldn’t go a whole summer without finishing their conversation. </p><p>“Have a nice summer, Snow. Try not to get into trouble.”</p><p>And then he was gone. </p><p>Simon had replayed that memory over and over again. Everything, from the way he had clutched Baz’ shirt in his hands to the glimmer of something in Baz’ eyes as he said goodbye. It felt like there was something more he was going to say. This memory of Baz shone so bright in his mind he was surprised it wasn’t burned onto his forehead. It was driving him mental. </p><p>Simon didn’t want to fight Baz. Baz didn’t want to fight Simon. If they both refused to fight, then they could stop the war. 1 + 1 = 2. It made bloody sense. If only the stupid Families and the stupid Mage (sorry Sir) would accept it. </p><p>And so, for the first summer since he started going to Watford, Simon stopped not thinking and started plotting.  </p><p>His plot started with the YA books he had available to him. So many of them were about teenagers from competing families falling in love. (Simon would think it was cliché if he wasn’t living it). When he was finished with the books at the boys’ home, he moved on to the cheesy romance YA at the local library. (Simon may be addicted). Or maybe his plot was inspired by the ancient TV in the rec room downstairs that got stuck on the Hallmark channel years ago and never managed to get unstuck. Or perhaps it all began with a very specific conversation with Penny from 5th year that sparked the idea. </p><p>Simon was scowling at Baz, who had managed to steal Agatha as his partner in Miss Possiblief’s class.</p><p>“What does she see in him? He’s a bloody nightmare.” It was more of a thought Simon had accidently said out loud than a serious question, but he got a response anyway. </p><p>“He’s a brooding anti-hero type. All the girls swoon for that.” Penny informed him before handing their potion to Simon. </p><p>“Is that a magic thing?”</p><p>“No, it’s a fictional trope thing. I think it’s a little cliché. I’m more inclined toward enemies to lovers.” </p><p>“What’s that about?” Simon asked distractedly. He was more concerned about their potion, which was turning a suspicious shade of blue. Maybe he wasn’t stirring it right. </p><p>“Oh, I’m sure you’ve seen it in Normal TV shows or those old-fashioned romantic comedies a lot of romance spells come from. Like You’ve Got Mail. Or like Romeo and Juliet. It’s all about two people from rival families falling in love. Or setting up a rivalry as a plot device to increase sexual tension,” Penny tilted her head to the side, “Actually now that I think about it, that kind of describes you and Baz.”</p><p>Simon sputtered so hard he dropped their potion. The classroom smelled like worm root for a week. </p><p>As Simon lay in his bed at the boys’ home, a brilliant grin formed on his face. </p><p>“Oh Penn,” he smiled, “You’re a genius.” </p><p>He couldn’t wait to get back to Watford. </p><p>***</p><p>Any day now, Simon thought impatiently, Baz should be back any day now. Simon was finally back at Watford, back in his room, but it didn’t feel right without Baz there. Simon always came back as soon as the campus opened, while Baz came back on the latest day possible and looking better than the year before (stupid posh git). Normally Simon would be glad to savor the few days he had the room to himself, but not this year. </p><p>His last year at Watford. What he used to think would be the last year of his life. But not if he could help it. Not if he and Baz worked together. Simon had a plan. It was more than a plan; it was a plot. </p><p>Now he just needed Baz to get here already. It was driving Simon crazy, not knowing where Baz was or when Simon would see him. He had been staying in his room more often in case Baz happened to walk in.</p><p>He went down to meet Penny at the commissary. No use waiting on an empty stomach. </p><p>“You should come to the library with me tomorrow.”</p><p>“Penn, it’s not even the first day of classes. Is this about beating Baz for top of the class? You don’t have to worry. Baz isn’t even here yet.” Simon sighed. Usually he was ecstatic anytime he had an excuse to bring up Baz to Penny, but he had been counting on her to distract him. </p><p>“Well at least you’re happy.”</p><p>“Why would I be happy?”</p><p>Penny looked at him strangely. </p><p>“Because you have the room to yourself? And you don’t have to see Baz.”</p><p>“Oh. Yeah. Of course.” He shoved some more shepherd’s pie in his mouth. </p><p>He made his way back to the room eventually and paused right outside the door. He combed a hand through his hair and smoothed down his shirt, just in case Baz was back. He didn’t want to give Baz extra cannon fodder to make fun of him. </p><p>Simon opened the door in one smooth motion and was immediately beset by disappointment. The room was just as he had left it. </p><p>He made a slow show of getting ready for bed as he accepted Baz probably wouldn’t be back for another few days. Still, he closed the window, just in case Baz showed up in the middle of the night. Simon wanted to show Baz he was serious about putting their rivalry behind them. The fate of the magickal world was at stake. </p><p>***</p><p>Simon woke to the smell of cedar and bergamot and felt happier than he had in months. Baz. Simon let himself smile as he inhaled the familiar scent. Their room felt like home again. He opened his eyes.  </p><p>There he was. Baz. Simon felt his breath catch. Baz looked good. (Baz always looked good, stupid handsome fucker). He was getting dressed in front of the mirror. He hadn’t noticed Simon was awake yet. Simon took the time to simply watch Baz as he buttoned his shirt with his stupid perfect long fingers. </p><p>Simon startled when Baz’ gaze in the mirror met his own. Normally Simon would bluster or growl and turn away, but not this year. He could tell it caught Baz off guard when Simon continued to stare. </p><p>“Snow,” he sneered, “You-”</p><p>“Wait!” Simon jumped out of bed. He didn’t have time to care that he was still shirtless and in his pants. “Before you sneer or say anything mean, I want to call a truce.”</p><p>“A truce? That’s-”</p><p>“Silly? Yes, but I’m serious. I don’t want to fight you. Not in our room, not to the death, not ever.”</p><p>Baz finished tying his tie. He turned around to face him fully. </p><p>“What makes you think I’d agree to something like that?” </p><p>“Because you told me so. You said you don’t want to fight me. And I don’t want to fight you. So why fight?”</p><p>Baz made a show of pretending to think. (Dramatic git). </p><p>“Hmm, I don’t recall ever saying anything of the sort.”</p><p>Simon growled. </p><p>“Baz, I remember. It was the last day of the school year.”</p><p>“That doesn’t mean anything.”</p><p>“Baz,” it came out like a whine, “Stop playing hard to get.” Baz coughed. Simon flushed, “Or, I mean. Y-You know what I mean. Stop dodging the truce.”</p><p>“Fine. Truce. Are you happy now Snow?”</p><p>“Not yet.”</p><p>Baz raised a single perfect eyebrow.</p><p>“Okay, just,” Simon looked down at himself, naked down to his pants with bedhead and a bad case of morning breath from his four servings of shepherd's pie from the night before. “Let me brush my teeth. And put a shirt on. But stay right there.”</p><p>Simon brushed his teeth, styled his hair (as much as it could be styled), and put on a shirt in two minutes flat. He wasn’t sure if Baz would have listened to his directive and was glad to see him right where he had left him. </p><p>“Spill, Snow. I haven’t got time to wait around here all day.”</p><p>“All summer, I have been plotting,” Simon said proudly, “a way to stop the war from happening. And I think I’ve found the perfect plot.”</p><p>He waited for Baz to take the bait. </p><p>“Are you going to keep me in suspense forever Snow?”</p><p>“Right,” Simon grinned, “In like books and stuff, you know, movies, whatnot, sometimes there are these things called tropes-”</p><p>“I know bloody well what a trope is. Get to the point already.”</p><p>“So,” Simon continued, undeterred by Baz’ interruption, “Sometimes there will be a trope with two people from rival families. And they’ll hate each at first, but then they fall in love, and their families see that it was stupid to fight and everything is happy in the end. Well, in most of them, sort of.”</p><p>“Snow,” Baz narrowed his eyes. He looked tense and poised to fight, “Where is this going?”</p><p>“I think,” Simon took a deep breath and summoned all the courage he had, “that we should tell your family and the Mage that we’re in love and refuse to fight each other.”</p><p>When Baz didn’t immediately laugh or yell at him, Simon took it as a sign to continue. </p><p>“And before you say no, just think about it. If we don’t fight, then there is no war,” he began to walk closer to Baz, whose lack of reaction was beginning to concern Simon.</p><p>“And I know what you’re thinking - that just because our families think we’re dating doesn’t necessarily ensure peace for good. Which is why, for my plot, we have to take it a step further. To show that this is serious and really convince them.” </p><p>Tentatively, Simon reached out to grab Baz’ hand. He was surprised how cold Baz’ was. Not a bad cold, but a type of cold that made Snow want to warm Baz up. Without really thinking about it, he rubbed Baz’ ring finger. </p><p>“Baz,” he swallowed, “Will you marry me?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h5>Baz</h5><p><em>He’s done it,</em> Baz thought, <em> somewhere in the part of his brain that was still capable of producing thoughts, despite claiming otherwise, Simon Snow has finally managed to kill me. </em></p><p>“I know it’s totally ridiculous, but I think it’s so ridiculous that it just might work. I think it's the only way to prevent a war.”</p><p>Simon may have said some other things about plots and books and tropes and the Mage, but Baz hadn’t heard anything past the four words he never thought he would hear Simon say to him. He felt lightheaded and woozy, as if all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room. </p><p>The only thing Baz was aware of was the point of contact where Simon was still rubbing circles on his fingers. He’s holding my hand! A giddy part of Baz screamed. </p><p>
  <em>Aleister Crowley I’m living a charmed life. <em></em></em>
</p><p>
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    <em></em>
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</p><p>And then Baz Pitch, a vampire and the descendant of the two most proud families in the history of mages, promptly blacked out. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
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</p><p>When he came to, Simon Snow was looking down on him like a kicked puppy.<br/>
“Baz? Did you just faint?” He frowned, “Was it because of my proposal?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>He called it a proposal. Simon Snow just proposed to me. Baz felt his brain short circuit for the second time in five minutes. He was losing brain cells for sure. Maybe Bunce would finally make good on her word and dethrone him from the top of the class. </p><p>
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    <em></em>
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</p><p>“Shut up. That was not a bloody proposal,” Baz sneered, because he hated himself, “A real proposal is a gesture, down on one knee and everything. That was the stupidest explanation for the stupidest plan I have ever heard in my entire life.”</p><p>
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</p><p>He got back up to his feet and swatted Simon’s helping hand away. He may have fainted, but he still had some dignity. He was not a damsel in distress. He was not going to throw a livelihood of scheming out the window and consider accepting Snow’s terrible non-proposal.  </p><p>
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</p><p>Except when he looked at Simon, he looked so sad that Baz could almost describe him as brokenhearted. Don’t be foolish, he chided himself, you’d be a proper idiot if you really believe Simon loves you. That he’s doing this because he wants you. That he could ever want you. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
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</p><p>“Is that a no?” Simon said sadly. There was nothing Baz wanted to do more than wipe that expression off Simon’s face. He resisted the urge to cup Simon’s face in his hands. </p><p>
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    <em></em>
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</p><p>Baz paused. Despite the way Simon’s plan fucked with his heart and fed it to the sharks, it did make sense. The Families respected tradition and marriage above everything. They would never move against Simon if he were his husband. (Husband! Aleister Crowley). And the Mage would have no legitimate claim to pick a fight if his own heir was technically part of the Families. Of course, Baz was certain the Mage wouldn’t stop being suspicious of his family, but that was a conversation for another day. </p><p>
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    <em></em>
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</p><p>Would people even believe them? Baz supposed Simon was right, no one would suspect the Chosen One was stupid enough to grab a fanfiction trope as a hail Mary to stop a war. As for his family? Dev and Niall have known how he’s felt about Simon for ages. They never bring it up unless he brings it up first. (Good men). He’s sure Fiona suspects. This summer his dad had finally come to accept that Baz was never going to marry a woman. They had had an excruciatingly awkward conversation about it. </p><p>
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    <em></em>
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</p><p>“If you do decide to marry, then your, erm, husband, better be of a good family. A strong political match,” Malcolm had said over breakfast. His gaze on Baz turned soft, “Unless of course, with the one exception, if you find a worthy match through love.”</p><p>
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    <em></em>
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</p><p>Marrying Daphne had made him soft. Their little talk was probably the closest thing to the sex talk he was going to get out of his father. It was a memory Baz was secretly terribly fond of. </p><p>
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</p><p>He looked at Simon and thought the same thing he had thought when his father told him that: there’s only one boy I’ll ever love. </p><p>
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</p><p>“Okay,” he swallowed, putting a stop to the nervous energy rising in his stomach and threatening to spill over in the form of some pathetic love confession or other, “Let’s get married.”</p><p>
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<h5>Simon</h5><p>
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    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“What? Really?” Simon’s eyes widened, “I-I mean, cool! I mean, ahem, I’m glad you’ve agreed to my plot.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Nicks and slicks he really thought Baz was going to say no. The relief was rolling off of him in waves. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Keep it in your pants, Snow. I happen to want my family alive, so I will go along with your ridiculous plot as long as it works. Now,” he turned towards Simon with the familiar arrogant expression Simon was used to, “Leave the plotting to me. We need a plan and a cover story.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Right, well, I thought we should get married first before we tell the Families or the Mage. That way they can’t stop us because we’ve already done it. And if they try to bully us to get divorced, we can threaten to elope.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Color me impressed; you’ve actually thought something through for once.” Baz smirked, Moving on, let’s establish some ground rules.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Ground rules?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“For example,” Baz cleared his throat, “Rule number one: no one but us can know.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Brilliant. Gotcha,” Simon nodded, “Okay. Rule number two: no dating anyone else. This whole thing falls apart if we start dating other people.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Right…” Baz trailed off, “if we go through with this. There’s something else you should know. And you need to promise not to tell anyone.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Sure, okay.” </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Rule number three: you cannot tell anyone what I am about to tell you,” Baz took a deep breath, “You might, possibly be right about some of my nocturnal dietary activities.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“I’m a vampire.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“I knew it! I knew it!” Simon smiled. He was so going to rub it in Penny’s face when - oh no. “Shit. I already broke rule number three. I’ve told, like, everyone I’ve ever met that you’re a vampire.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“No one believes you.” Baz waved him off.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Okay. Rule number four: we have to act like we’re a couple when we’re with other people. That means no insulting my intelligence in class, Baz.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Can I insult other things about you? For example, your moronic personality or your disgusting eating habits?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“No.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Fine. Rule number five: we don’t blur any lines. Only we know what’s real and what isn’t. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. We’re not friends, Snow.” </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Simon grinned, “I think we’ve covered all our bases.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“What are you going to tell Bunce?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“You can’t tell her the truth.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“I can’t? But she’s Penny.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Crowley, Simon, you can’t hatch a secret plot to stop a war and get sloppy with the details. Rule number one: no one but us can know.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Baz, it’s Penny.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“I’m sorry I don’t share your confidence.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Fine.” Simon rolled his eyes, “Let’s make a bet. We can tell Penny together, and if she believes whatever made up cover story we tell her, then I’ll let her believe that. But if she’s skeptical or if she figures it out, then I can tell her the truth.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Hmm...deal.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“What about Dev and Niall? Surely they’ll be even harder to convince?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Don’t worry about Dev and Niall. They already know I’m gay. It won’t be that hard to make them think I developed feelings for my roommate who’s obsessed with me.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Hey!” Simon splutters, “Don’t phrase it like that. I-I’m not obsessed.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Well, what do you suggest for our cover story?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“I dunno,” Simon shrugged, “We realized arguing was dumb and started dating.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“That’s terrible. That’s the worst cover story I’ve ever heard.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Hey!” Simon was offended on behalf of their fake love story. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“People like a story. It has to be compelling. With specific dates and details.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Baz began pacing. Simon didn’t know if Baz was even aware he was doing it. He finally stopped and began toying with something on his desk. Simon wished he could see his face, but his back was turned to him. When Baz finally spoke, his words came out very articulated and matter of fact.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“We’ll tell them I have been secretly in love with you for a long time. Since fifth year. And that last year, the day Agatha broke up with you, you came up to the room and we argued. And then I kissed you. Desperately. And then you kissed me back. You bought a burner phone and we’ve been texting and calling all summer. I’ve been in love with you longer, but you said I love you first. You proposed to me, today - that part won’t have to be a lie - in our room as soon as you saw me.” </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Simon was speechless. Baz should write romance novels, he thought absentmindedly. Something wild and unpredictable tugged at his gut and pushed him forward. He was moving closer to Baz without even realizing it. Simon wanted - what? What did he want? He felt a void, hidden and stirring from somewhere within, calling out to be filled. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Before he could make sense of it, Baz turned around.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Well? How’s that for a silly love story?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Right...silly...Simon shook himself out of whatever funk he was in. Belatedly, he realized he was currently missing breakfast. He was probably just hungry.   </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Can I tell everyone you fainted?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Baz scowled.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>***</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>It took them a half hour to come to a resolution about the fainting (It was now resting on their bet about Penny’s reaction, which meant Simon was totally obviously going to win). And then it took them another half an hour to choose a date and location for their wedding. By the time they finally settled on a church a half day trip away, Simon had nearly forgotten about breakfast. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Simon dragged Baz out of Mummers with him. Baz put up a fit, but Simon reminded him it was best they be seen together from now on. Also, Simon liked being able to keep tabs on Baz at all times. Knowing that he couldn’t be off plotting somewhere. Really, this plan saved Simon the trouble of looking for Baz in the first place. He didn’t know why he didn’t think of it sooner. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>They found Penny at their usual spot with her head buried in a book of advanced elocution. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Penny.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>She didn’t look up from her book. Not even as she took a bite of her oatmeal. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Hey Simon. You nearly missed breakfast. I was getting worried.” She pushed a plate of scones towards him. Simon didn’t hesitate to shove one in his mouth. God, he loved her. (And scones). </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Penny.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“You don’t have to avoid Agatha, you know.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Simon realized that he actually hadn’t been worried about running into Agatha. He hadn’t given the slightest thought about how Agatha would react to his thing with Baz. He worried if it was morally bad to marry the guy your ex-girlfriend had a crush on. Well, I was a shitty boyfriend, he thought sadly, I may as well be a shitty ex-boyfriend. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“I know. Penn, this isn’t about Agatha.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Is it about Baz? Did he come back last night?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Baz coughed. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Penny finally looked up.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“You.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Me.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Penny looked at Simon, then Baz, then back and forth again, before settling her gaze on Simon for answers. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Penn, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, err, sooner, but me and Baz wanted to keep this private for a bit. Because, the thing is, Baz and me, and, err, Baz and I...We’re dating. We’ve been dating all summer.” </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Simon took Baz’ hand in his and interlaced their fingers. And then he waited. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Because as good as the story Baz made up, Simon knew his acting was not that great. And Penny knows Simon. She’s listened to Simon constantly ramble about his hatred for Baz for so long she established a daily limit to how much he can shit on Baz. She knows the impossibility of the situation he’s just laid out. He held his breath for Penny to figure it out so he could laugh in Baz’ face. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Except the moment never comes. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“I’m happy for you two. I wished you guys had figured it out way sooner,” She turned to Simon, “The daily Baz limit hasn’t changed. I don’t care that you’re in love.” </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“I-You. But. What?” Simon was gobsmacked. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“You are in love, right?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>After glancing at Simon and seeing his reaction, Baz took the lead. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Yes. We’re in love. In fact,” he lowered his voice, “We’re getting married.” </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Penny finished chewing and set down her spoon. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Okay. When’s the date?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Um. You’re not - surprised?” Simon asked. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Oh, I don’t know. You’ve always wanted to get married young, Simon. I’m not going to try and stop you. And I trust that you know what you’re doing.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Simon was at a loss for words. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Better clear your schedule Bunce. We’ve booked a church for this weekend.” Baz informed her.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Penny’s spoon clattered on her bowl, sending oatmeal everywhere. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“This weekend? You’re getting married this weekend?” </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“We don’t want to wait.” </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“So you’re getting married in five days?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Look, Bunce,” Baz leaned forward, “I’ve been in love with Simon since fifth year. He’s the only one for me. And knowing that he feels the same...well, I don’t see why we have to wait. We don’t need three hundred people and a wedding out of Bridal Guide Magazine. We just need each other.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Penny softened. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Of course I’ll be there,” Penny said as she began packing up her stuff, “And Simon, I’m glad you finally figured out what you want.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>As soon as she left, Simon turned to Baz.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Well that was bloody weird, right?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Your best friend being supportive of you?” Baz raised an eyebrow.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“No! I’m talking about Penny being way more gullible than I thought!” Simon chuckled, “She really thought that we could be a couple! I mean, no offense Baz, but all I’ve done is tell her how much we hate each other for seven years straight.” </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Right,” Baz immediately scowled, “That reminds me. The bet is mine. You are to tell absolutely no one that I...temporarily lost my bearings this morning.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Fainted.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“It’s the same difference.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Should we find Dev and Niall now and tell them?” Simon said through his second scone. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“No. I’ll tell them myself. I’ll see you in class,” Baz stood up to leave. He looked as if he were about to walk away, but something held him back. Before Simon could ask Baz why he was still hovering around, Baz swooped down, leaned forward, and gave Simon a loud kiss on the cheek.  </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>It was a good thing he left right after that, because Simon’s face was red for another fifteen minutes. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>It was still red when he realized he’s late to class (on the first day of school no less). It was also still red when he (very literally) bumped into Agatha, the person he least wanted to see. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Shit. Sorry Aggie,” he said as he picked up her book bag that he knocked off her shoulder. It was all very high school romcom. Simon felt a little ill. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>If they were still together, Agatha would have gotten stiff but wouldn’t have said anything, and Simon would have blathered on about something else obliviously (probably something Baz related). Simon braced for Agatha to brush past him and get on her way to class. Instead, she smiled at him. It was quite possibly the happiest Agatha had smiled at him in years. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Simon,” she asked, “how was your summer?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Good. Yeah,” Simon paused, “Great, actually. I started seeing someone. From Watford.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Who is it?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Oh, you know.” Simon shrugged.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Simon. I really don’t know.” She laughed, “You can tell me. I won’t be bothered. I’m actually really happy that you’ve moved on. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Okay I’ll tell you. But please don’t get upset.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“I promise, whoever it is, I won’t get upset. Unless it’s Penny. Tell me it’s not Penny.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“It’s Baz.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Simon waited. He watched Agatha blink twice. Then three times. The silence stretched for what seemed like an impossibly long length of time until Agatha opened her mouth - </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>-And began laughing hysterically. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Simon was dumbstruck. Agatha continued to laugh. Simon thought she was laughing so hard she may have been crying. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“I can’t say I saw this coming,” she said between giggles, “Although maybe I should have.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“So...you’re not mad?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Mad? Simon you can date whoever you want.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Well, uh, you see, um, Baz and I...we’re not just dating,” Simon stuttered, “we’re getting married. In six days. You would come. To the wedding, that is.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Agatha burst out laughing once more.<br/>
<br/>
***

</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>The church was tiny, barely big enough for twenty or so people. Simon had no idea how it fit a whole congregation. It had a little garden area in the back and ancient stiff pews and a few cobwebs. But somehow it was built on exactly the right spot for the sun to pour in through the windows and cast everything with a honey warm glow. Simon loved it. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>In the end, their guest list included Penny, Agatha, Ebb, Dev, Niall, and Baz’ scary aunt Fiona. When she had burst through the church doors with a scowl Simon nearly had a heart attack. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Snow,” she greeted him with one word. Simon still had no idea if that meant she liked him or not. In the corner of his eye he saw her give something to Baz before plopping herself down on Baz’ side of the church. Not that there were really enough people for sides, seeing as how all their guests were now sitting on the front pew. Dev was clearly excited to be sitting next to Agatha. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Snow,” a different Pitch called out to him, “may I have a word in private?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Simon didn’t get a chance to reply before he was following Baz out the side door to the back of the church. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Baz, what’s all this about?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“I’m giving you a way out, Snow,” Baz told him seriously, “If you don’t want to do this or if you’ve changed your mind, we can stop all this. Now is your chance.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Wha-Baz, where is this coming from?” Simon crossed his arms.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Do you want to back out?” Baz repeated. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Do you?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“I asked you first, Snow.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Just answer the question Baz.” Simon felt nauseous. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“No, I don’t want to back out,” Baz huffed, “but if you want to, I won’t hold it against you.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Well, I don’t.” He replied stubbornly, “Stop being weird so we can go back in and get married.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Simon grabbed Baz by the hand and led him to the door. As he tried not to think about Baz’ hand too much or if Baz thought his hand was sweaty, a horrifying revelation occurred. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Simon suddenly stopped in his tracks. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Oh no!” Simon cried out, “The rings! I forgot about the rings! Baz what are we going to do?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Baz snorted. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Relax, Snow. Give me your hand.” Simon did. Baz cleared his throat, pointed his wand at his hand and said, “Put a ring on it!” </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>A simple gold band appeared on Simon’s ring finger. Before Simon could examine it closely, Baz had already slipped it off. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Hey! That’s my ring!”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“No, this is my ring you idiot. You’ll present it to me inside.” Baz fished around in his pocket before bringing out a small black bag, “This is your ring.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>He held up another golden band. It was clearly older (and more expensive) than the ring he had summoned. There was a thinly etched pattern around the band that reminded Simon of ancient magic sigils. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Wow...it’s gorgeous...” Simon trailed off, “Where did you score this?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“It’s a Pitch family heirloom. Belonged to my grandfather. I think it suits you.” Baz said the last part quietly, as if it were some kind of admission. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Is this allowed?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“We’ll see. I had Fiona sneak it out from Pitch Manor for me. Now,” he held out a hand to Simon, “shall we?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Simon slipped his hand into Baz’ hand without hesitation. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>

***

</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>The whole thing went by very quickly, seeing as no one had to be walked down the aisle. Before Simon knew it, the pastor had breezed past all the boring bits. So it was a bit of a shock when he turned to Simon and said, “I assume you’ve prepared your own vows?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Yeah,” Simon said because the old man was clearly expecting a response. It was about two seconds later that Simon realized he had not, in fact, prepared any vows in any state or form. Simon began to sweat. The pastor was looking at him expectantly. He could feel the gaze of everyone in the pews and he knew he should say something but he had no idea what to say. He could barely handle being called on in class. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>A squeeze to his hand brought him out of his state of panic. Simon looked at Baz, who wasn’t exactly smiling at him, but he wasn’t exactly sneering at him either. Simon felt calm. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Right, well, uh...” Simon focused all his attention on Baz. Maybe he didn’t have to make anything up. Maybe he could simply twist the truth. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Baz, you are the most perfect person I have ever met. It’s annoying and infuriating honestly. Some people have accused me of being obsessed with you, and they’d be right. I think about you constantly. Every day. I wish I had realized my feelings sooner, but I promise to make up for all that lost time and then some. I don’t think I could have a future without you in it.” </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Simon looked at Baz, who looked soft and breathless in a way Simon had never seen him.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“And you?” The pastor turned to Baz. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Simon,” he said with a soft exhale. Simon felt a shiver run down his spine every time Baz said his name like that, “I love you. I love you terribly, devastatingly, and exceedingly so. And up until recently, I thought it was hopeless. It’s frightful, really, what I would do to get your attention for even a minute. I thought if I could hold a fraction of your attention, it would be enough. But now, standing here, I realize how foolish I was. Because I love you so much that nothing will ever be enough. I want a future with you, I want forever with you. As long as you’ll have me.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Simon was dizzy and flushed by the time Baz finished. It was like Baz would catch him staring at him in class and Simon would get hot and embarrassed all over, but ten times worse. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“You may kiss.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Simon leaned forward and preyed the angle wouldn’t be awkward. He felt like those really religious celibate couples. Or worse, a reality show couple on telly who agreed to get engaged after a week. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>All thoughts like that exited his mind as soon as he and Baz kissed. He expected it to be awkward and bad, frankly. But Baz’ lips were soft and cool to the touch. Simon felt his hand cupping Baz’ jaw, even though he didn’t remember reaching out. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Baz leaned away, breaking off the kiss. Simon was tempted to lean forward or even do something as shameful as whine. He probably would have done so if not for the loud cheers and whoops coming from his right (most of the noise was coming from Dev and Niall). Simon opened his eyes and suddenly felt extremely subconscious. He had nearly forgotten the others were there. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>He and Baz were married. Married. He looked at their friends and realized they were probably expecting a party or something. Simon had been so preoccupied with the whole get-Baz-to-marry-me plot he hadn’t really thought about what came next. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>It was scary Fiona who put an end to his troubles. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Baz told me you two didn’t plan a reception, but that’s just ridiculous. There’s a small pub around the corner. Drinks are on me.”<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>***</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>By the time they all snuck back into Watford, Simon was properly sloshed. He had to rely on Baz to walk straight and found himself frequently leaning on Baz for support. This resulted in a number of jabs from Dev and Niall (both just as wasted as Simon) as they made their way up to Mummer’s House. Simon was very amused. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Is it time to deflower the groom already?” Dev cackled. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Simon please do be gentle! We have football practice tomorrow!” Niall called. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Simon giggled into Baz’ neck. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Baz. They think we’re going to-”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“I know what they’re implying, Snow.” Baz was, apparently, not amused.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Gentlemen,” Simon slurred as he faced Dev and Niall.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Snow, you’re facing a statue.” Baz chided.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Oh. Thank you,” he turned, “Gentlemen. You shouldn’t make jokes like that about another man’s husband. It’s very rude.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>That only made them giggle more. Baz groaned.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Baaaz, I’m defending your honour.” Simon whined. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Dev and Niall continued to giggle as he and Baz made their way up the tower. Simon was getting impatient. He wanted to get to their room already. He couldn’t help but wonder if they would sleep in his bed or Baz’ bed. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Baz, you need to move faster.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“If I do that, you will fall down the stairs Snow. Don’t make me a window on our wedding night.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Simon gasped.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Baz. It’s our wedding night? Why didn’t you tell me? I would have gotten you something.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Crowley, Snow. Next time don’t try to keep up with Fiona. I should have warned you that she can drink you under the table and be up in time for church the next day.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Baz had finally managed to get them to their door. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“But Baz. It’s our wedding night. You know what that means.” He tried to wiggle his eyebrows seductively. Either it wasn’t working, or Baz was ignoring him, because Baz didn’t say anything. Instead he opened their door and guided Snow inside.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Alright, it’s time to get you to bed Snow.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Yes,” he snickered, “take me to bed, Baz.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Yes, alright, get the jokes out of your system, Snow. If you weren’t so drunk, I’d toss you out the window.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Simon started giggling again.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“What is so blood funny, Snow?”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“We’re on our honeymoon.” He laid the word thick with meaning before breaking out into another round of giggles. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Baz sighed deeply. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Yes. I suppose we are.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Simon stopped giggling. All the humor went out of the room. The silence that was left in its void was heavy. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Baz, what happens next?” Simon whispered. He was still leaning on Baz with his head tucked into the dip of his shoulder. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>He waited for Baz’ response. Anticipation was pooling in his gut. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“We tell the Mage. Then the Families. And we see how the plan unfolds from there.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Right. The Mage. The Families. The plan. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Simon suddenly felt very, very sober.  </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>It wasn’t the answer Simon had been expecting. He didn’t know what exactly he was expecting. But something more along the lines of come here or get on the bed or take off your shirt.  </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Simon pushed himself away from Baz very quickly. He was glad the lights were still off, otherwise Baz might have been able to see the flush on his face. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>“Right. I-I’m. Teeth. Err, need brushing. Goodnight.” In three large unsteady steps Simon locked himself inside the bathroom. As soon as the door was closed Simon slid down it. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>What the fuck. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>The plot was his idea. He knew it was a plot. And yet, for some reason, somewhere between the altar and their room, Simon had bizarrely convinced himself that the night would end in sex. Or maybe not sex, but at least a little making out. And maybe hand stuff. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Shit. I must be very, very drunk. Simon felt the urge to laugh hysterically. He cupped his face over his hands. I need to get my head straight. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>When he got out ten minutes later, Baz was already asleep. Simon tucked himself in and faced the wall. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Something uneasy and unnamable sat in his stomach as he fell into a fitful sleep. It wasn’t until he woke up the next morning that he understood what the feeling was. </p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p><p>Disappointment.</p><p>
  <em>
    <em></em>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm playing a game called "how oblivious to his own feelings can Simon be??"</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h5>Baz</h5><p>Baz woke up slowly, as if he were waking up from a dream only to realize life was in fact, just another dream. He couldn’t resist looking at Simon, who was sleeping with his mouth open (mouth breather) and his blanket falling off his body. </p><p>Baz sighed and rolled over onto his back. </p><p>
  <em>I’m married. To Simon Snow. </em>
</p><p>A delirious grin crept its way onto his face. He pressed his hand to his heart to feel the weight of his ring. He hadn’t taken it off while he slept. He didn’t think he’d ever take it off. </p><p>A quick glance at Simon told him that he hadn’t taken his ring off either. The information made Baz’ insides feel like honey. But only for a moment. </p><p>The rational side of him knew Simon hadn’t taken it off because he probably forgot about it in his drunken stupor. It was the first time he recalled seeing Simon properly smashed. When Baz closed his eyes, he could remember the weight of Simon’s body against his, the tickle of his curly hair smothered against his jaw, and the warmth of his breath every time he spoke into his neck. Baz should be glad he woke up with his sanity intact. </p><p>He doubted Simon was aware of the effect he had on him. The bloody idiot didn’t even blink when he confessed his undying love for him in their vows. </p><p><em>Their vows. </em>Ugh. The thought made Baz deliriously, disgustingly happy. </p><p>Hello, I’m Baz Snow. Simon’s husband, Baz imagined himself saying. It sent a ridiculous rush of endorphins to his head. He remembered how he once doodled ‘Tyrannus Basilton Snow’ in his journal. (Two minutes later he had blotted out the name in sharpie, tore the page out of his journal, and burned it so that no one could ever read it). But now it was more than just a farfetched daydream.  </p><p>“Ghhd mophnin.” Simon mumbled, startlingly Baz out of his dangerous train of thought.</p><p>“Excuse me?”</p><p>“I said, good morning.” Simon stirred, still clearly half asleep. </p><p>“Crowley. Can’t you ever use your words, Snow?” Baz sat up.</p><p>“Hnnng over. Give me a few minutes.”</p><p>“We haven’t got time for that. We have to tell the Mage today.”</p><p>“Ugh. You’re in a terrible mood.” Simon yawned loudly, “What’s the rush?”</p><p>“We have a plan, Snow. We have to stick to it. Who knows what sort of trouble the Mage can torment my family within a day’s time.”</p><p>Simon blinked at him sleepily. (It was adorable.) </p><p>“Breakfast first?”</p><p>“Fine. But you better stuff yourself fast. Let’s get this over with.”</p>
<h5>Simon</h5>
<p>As Simon and Baz expected, the Mage did not take the news well. It had been an excruciating hour waiting outside his office. By the time the Mage finally let them in, Simon had run out of patience. Truthfully, he was a bit peeved with the Mage. He had been back at Watford for nearly a week and the Mage hadn’t reached out to him at all. This was the first time Simon had seen him since last year, and he couldn’t even be bothered to see them on time. (Simon was also still slightly hungover, which did not help his mood). </p><p>“Simon. Basilton. This is a surprise.” The Mage was seated at his desk. “It’s a bit early in the quarter for shenanigans. And no, you cannot switch rooms.”</p><p>“Actually, Sir, that’s not what we wanted to talk to you about. Quite the opposite, in fact.”</p><p>“Oh?”</p><p>“See, we’re finally getting along.”</p><p>“You are?” The Mage looked at them suspiciously. </p><p>“Yes. And we’ve come to an agreement that the petty fighting with the Families has to stop.”</p><p>“The Families,” the Mage said harshly, “are withholding magical items that could help us defeat the humdrum.”</p><p>“No, actually,” Baz sneered, “they’re not. You know that, because you’ve already raided my house three times.”</p><p>“I respect your family, Basilton, but their lack of action is costing us the war.”</p><p>“The war with the Families or the war with the Humdrum? Because it seems to me you’re only focused on one.”</p><p>“This is what we wanted to talk to you about, Sir.” Simon spoke up again, “This ridiculous war you’re building up to by picking a fight with the Families? We’re not going to let it happen.”</p><p>“Simon, you don’t have a say in this.”</p><p>“Actually, I do.” He interlaced his fingers with Baz’ for courage, “We do.”</p><p>The Mage looked at their hands.</p><p>“Is that supposed to mean something?”</p><p>“Baz and I are not going to fight each other. We refuse to, because…” Simon steeled himself for one of the Mage’s outbursts, “we’re in love. In fact,” he held up their hands to show off their ring fingers, “we’re married.”</p><p>“You’re what?”</p><p>“Married, Sir.”</p><p>“But how? This is utterly preposterous.” The Mage’s anger began to build, “Simon. Are you insane? Weren’t you dating that Wellbelove girl? I didn’t know you were - you know.”</p><p>“Men can get married these days, Sir,” Baz chimed in, “You’re so progressive, I thought you knew that.”</p><p>The Mage breathed in deeply as he tried to control his fury. Simon felt ill. He didn’t understand why the Mage was reacting so angrily. Simon was certain that, had Baz not been here as a witness, the Mage would have thrown a lamp at him by now.</p><p>“Can’t you....” The Mage lowered his voice and paused in a way only scandalized old people could, “...get it annulled?”</p><p>“Uh…”</p><p>“I’m afraid not, Sir,” Baz said, with a level of confidence that left Simon basking in its glow, “It’s already been consummated.”</p><p>Simon started coughing immediately. He felt himself flush a brilliant red. </p><p>The Mage, too, was red. Probably from anger more than anything else. </p><p>“Fine. Whatever. Ruin the future we were going to build for the World of Mages. Get out of my office. Now”</p><p>“Of course, Sir,” Baz said, seething with disgust. Simon turned to follow him.</p><p>“Simon. I want a word in private.”</p><p>“You don’t have to listen to him, Snow.”</p><p>Simon looked at Baz and smiled. </p><p>“I’ll be fine. Wait for me?”</p><p>Baz nodded and left. Which left Simon alone with the Mage. He expected more of the Mage’s anger, but instead the Mage merely sighed. </p><p>“Simon. You know you are the person I trust most in this world.”</p><p>I am? Simon thought dumbly. That’s impossible, Sir. You don’t tell me anything. But Simon saw that the Mage was telling the truth. His version of the truth anyhow. Was the Mage’s life so lonely he considered their relationship to be one built on trust? Simon wondered. A relationship where he only talked to Simon after his life was endangered? Does the Mage have no one else in his life? The answer was yes, and the realization made his heart ache with equal parts sadness and pity. </p><p>“So trust me when I say that you are going to regret this,” The Mage continued, “Ruining your destiny for something as childish as love is the worst thing you can ever do. To think of all that wasted potential...it makes me sick.”</p><p>Simon took a step back in surprise to the malice in the Mage’s words. He looked at the Mage, who had always seemed so tall, so powerful, so confident, and realized he was looking at a stranger. Simon wasn’t quite as tall as Baz, but he had grown since the Mage brought him to Watford for the first time. Simon realized with a quiet startle that he was taller than the Mage. It seemed impossible that Simon had not noticed this before. Had it really been that long since he and the Mage spoke in person? Simon studied the man in front of him now and saw him not as the hero he had idealized throughout his childhood and instead saw him as was. </p><p>A sad man in an office with no family and not a single friend in the world. </p><p>“I’m sorry, Sir. But you’re wrong.”</p><p>Simon walked away without being dismissed.<br/>
<br/>
***</p><p>“I’ve told my dad and Daphne that I’ll be visiting next weekend and bringing a guest. We’ll announce our marriage at dinner and spend Saturday with my family. Fiona and Dev will be there too, in case things get messy or borderline homophobic.” Baz told them as they walked back from class together. </p><p>When Simon had suggested carrying Baz’ books for him like he had done for Agatha, Baz looked truly disgusted. He did allow Simon to hold his hand, so Simon counted that as a win. </p><p>Presently Simon was only half listening to what Baz was saying. The other half of him was distracted by the growing number of looks people were giving him in the hallway. </p><p>“Baz...is it just me or are people staring at me?”</p><p>“They’re staring at us, you numpty. We haven’t argued in class all day. We’re also wearing bloody wedding rings, if you haven’t noticed. I’m sure word is spreading.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“Losing your nerve, Snow? Don’t like people thinking of you as queer?” Baz sneered.</p><p>“N-no. That’s not. That doesn’t matter.” It honestly didn’t. Did that mean he was gay? Simon wondered absentmindedly. It didn’t make that much of a difference to him. He could give it some more thought later. </p><p>“Hmm…” Baz trailed off, “What did the Mage have to say to you, anyhow? You were unusually thoughtful after you left his office.</p><p>“It was nothing, really,” Simon let the dig slide, “Rubbish.”</p><p>Baz waited patiently for Simon to continue. </p><p>“He’s just - he’s so lonely. I don’t even think he realizes it. I didn’t realize it, until today. I used to idolize him. But I see now, for the Mage, everything is duty over love. And that's a miserable way to live. I don’t want that.”</p><p>Simon glanced over at Baz, who seemed rather troubled.</p><p>“Baz?”</p><p>“Isn’t that what you’re doing now? How is this,” he squeezed Simon’s hand, “not duty over love?”</p><p>“I dunno,” he stumbled over his words, “It’s just different.”</p><p>Baz was silent all the way to their next class. </p><p>***</p><p>Fiona picked them up on Friday afternoon. She drove like a demon all the way to Pitch manor, which was another nightmare in itself. </p><p>“This is where you live? It looks haunted.”</p><p>“That’s because it is. You’ll have to mind the wraiths.”</p><p>Simon laughed. </p><p>“Wait. That was a joke, right?”</p><p>Baz smiled wryly. Simon looked back at the manor in fear. </p><p>“Come along Simon.” He and Fiona were already out of the car. Simon scrambled to catch up with them. </p><p>A woman answered the door. Fiona breezed by, intent to make herself at home apparently.</p><p>“Vera,” Baz greeted the woman who had opened the door, “take Snow’s things up to my room.”</p><p>After she did so, Simon leaned over and whispered, “Your room? Will you parents be okay with that”</p><p>“We’re married, Snow. It’s traditionally unmarried fraternization that’s disapproved of,” Baz rolled his eyes, “Don’t worry, I have a big bed.”</p><p>An involuntary noise came from the back of his throat. </p><p>“Or you can sleep on the floor if you’d prefer.” Baz smiled sharply. </p><p>Simon growled. </p><p>“Please adjust your manners before dinner, Snow. That’s no way to act in front of your new in-laws.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he huffed.</p><p>Baz suddenly went still. Shit, Simon thought, did that cross some invisible line? </p><p>“Sorry. I shouldn't've. I mean, it was a joke.”<br/>
“I fucking know that, Snow,” Baz snapped. Simon winced. Baz had been in a much happier mood all day. In fact, this past week they had gotten along better than they had in seven years. </p><p>“I said I was sorry.”</p><p>“I don’t care that you’re sorry. It didn’t mean anything. There’s nothing to apologize for.” Baz said bitterly.</p><p>“Then why are you angry?” Simon didn’t even know what they were fighting about. Everything had been so good up until now. </p><p>“I’m not angry,” Baz said, angrily. </p><p>“Whatever.” Simon rolled his eyes. He thought he and Baz were moving past all their petty drama, “When’s dinner? I’m starved.”</p><p>“I know. The whole countryside knows. Your stomach was growling the whole way here.”</p><p>“Why do you have to be so, so prickly all the time?”</p><p>“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”</p><p>“Yes you do. It’s like you like fighting.”</p><p>“Snow,” Baz said hotly, “In case you have forgotten, the only reason we’re doing this is to prevent an all-out war. So I don’t have to like you, I just have to tolerate your presence. And you’re making it exceedingly difficult to do even that.” </p><p>Simon frowned. Something in his chest twisted. </p><p>Before he could reply, a young girl appeared at the top of the stairs. </p><p>“Baz! You’re back!”</p><p>She ran down the stairs in a flurry and flung herself into Baz’ arms. </p><p>“Mordelia,” he laughed, “you little rascal. You’ll wake the wraiths.”</p><p>“Sorry,” she said without an ounce of apology in her voice. Her smile dropped when she noticed Simon.</p><p>“What’s the Chosen One doing here?”</p><p>“Shh. Don’t call him that. His name is Simon,” Baz looked at Simon. It was clear whatever not-really-a-fight-kind-of-fight they were having would have to be put on hold. At least until after they made it through dinner. (If they made it through dinner, Simon reminded himself. I am in the belly of the beast as the Mage would say). </p><p>“Why is he in our house?”</p><p>“He’s my guest. He’s having dinner with us.”</p><p>Mordelia looked between Simon and Baz. Then she leaned up and whispered in Baz’ ear. Unfortunately for Mordelia, she was very bad at whispering, to the frustration of both her and her schoolteachers. </p><p>“Are we going to poison him?”</p><p>Simon’s eyes widened. Baz only rolled his eyes, which seemed like an underreaction.</p><p>“No. Simon is...my friend.” Baz whispered at a level audible to Simon, “He’s important to me. So don’t try anything. If you do, Father Christmas will know.”</p><p>Mordelia nodded. </p><p>“I wouldn’t’ve tried anything anyways.” She whispered back. </p><p>“Do you know if Dad and Daphne are around?”</p><p>“They’re in the dining room. Follow me!”</p><p>She began skipping forward. How she was related to Baz was a mystery to Simon. Soon enough they had traveled to the back of the house, where a tall man and woman stood. Neither of them really looked like Baz, but Simon recognized Malcolm Grimm right away. </p><p>“Mom! Dad! Baz brought Simon Snow home!” Mordelia shouted in lieu of an announcement. </p><p>Baz cringed. It was definitely not the smooth introduction they were going for. </p><p>Malcolm and Baz’ step-mom turned around. Whatever conversation they were having abruptly ended. Baz’ step-mom had the decency to look startled, but Malcolm’s face was a mask. It was as impassively infuriating as his son’s. Simon began to see the resemblance. </p><p>“Dad. Daphne. You know Simon Snow.” Baz gestured. </p><p>“Err, hello. It’s nice to meet you.” Simon extended his hand to Malcolm Grimm. When he didn’t move, Baz’ step-mom shook his hand.</p><p>“It’s nice to meet you Simon. I’ve heard so much about you.” She said it as if he were an old chum from Baz’ football team, and not the son of her family’s archnemesis. </p><p>After a few seconds, Malcolm recovered from the shock to remember his manners. </p><p>“Of course, Snow. Good to meet you in person.” His tone said the opposite.  </p><p>“Simon,” Baz’ step-mom smiled, “I’m glad you could join us for dinner. The dining table is in the other room.”</p><p>“Yeah,” he tried to smile. He followed Daphne into another room (just how big was Pitch Manor?) where he was met with the familiar faces of Dev and Fiona, as well as the unfamiliar faces of two small children and a baby. Dev gave a nod to Baz and a nod to Simon.</p><p>Simon ended up sitting in between Baz and Mordelia, which was good, and opposite Malcolm Grimm, which was not as good. He may not be a Pitch, but he seemed just as scary to Simon. </p><p>Simon (and his stomach) were pleased to see bread rolls already on the table. </p><p>“Basil,” Malcolm began, “I must say, when you said you were bringing a guest, I never in a million years would have guessed you meant the Mage’s heir.”</p><p>“I know it probably came as a shock to you to see Simon unannounced,” Baz began. Simon squeezed his hand under the table for encouragement. Whatever row they were in was less important than this, “but I wanted to explain everything to you in person.”</p><p>He and Baz had gone over what to say to Baz’ family at great length. Actually, they had gone over what they would say to Malcolm. (“We can’t just come right out and say it,” Baz had snapped, “We have to ease my father into it.) Baz had even written a script. He said he was confident Simon would muck it up somehow if they didn’t rehearse it. So they practiced in their room. They practiced in front of Penny (“Don’t slouch. And you used the word ‘circumstances’ too many times”). They even practiced different scenarios depending on what mood Malcolm would be in. They practiced it until it was a well-rehearsed performance. It was going to go absolutely perfectly. It had to go absolutely perfectly. </p><p>“So, over the summer-”</p><p>“Is that,” his dad frowned, “your grandfather’s ring?”</p><p>Simon froze. He looked down at his hand, where it was on the table and reaching for a bread roll. He then looked to Baz, whose face was mirrored in a state of pure panic. They had not prepared for this particular outcome.</p><p>“Yes,” Baz answered honestly, seeing as there was no way of getting around it.</p><p>“And what is it doing on Simon Snow’s hand?”</p><p>“I gave it to him. When we,” Baz gulped, “got married.”</p><p>Daphne made a small gasp, which was drowned out by Mordelia’s loud gasp. Simon noticed Fiona down the rest of her wine. </p><p>“Baz! You got married and I wasn’t invited? How could you?”</p><p>“Sorry kiddo,” Fiona rubbed Mordelia’s hair, “There weren’t any other kids. You wouldn’t have liked it.”</p><p>“Baz,” Mordelia glared at him with her arms crossed, “You have to have a second wedding so that I can go.”</p><p>“You were there?” Malcolm looked at Fiona accusingly.</p><p>“What?” Fiona shrugged, “I couldn’t’ve stopped them if I wanted it. Which I didn’t.”</p><p>“You’ve really outdone yourself Fiona.”</p><p>“Malcolm,” Daphne began to say.</p><p>“I told you that you weren’t a good influence on him, and now-”</p><p>“Dad.” Baz said forcefully. </p><p>Malcolm turned his ire away from Fiona and jerked his head towards his son. Simon gulped. However much Baz complained about his father, Simon understood that underneath it all Baz cared deeply what his father thought about him. </p><p>“Basil,” Malcolm said, “I’m really disappointed in you.”</p><p>Baz wilted. </p><p>“I told you,” Malcom continued, “That if you couldn’t make a good political match, you should marry for love, and only love. Marriage is very important. It’s a commitment. It’s not something you can use as a part of a ridiculous scheme to get back at the Mage.”</p><p>Excuse me? Simon thought.</p><p>“Excuse me?” </p><p>Simon briefly wondered if he had spoken aloud, but it was Baz who had echoed his thoughts. </p><p>“I want to know if this was Fiona’s idea or if you concocted this silly plan all on your own.”</p><p>“You think I had something to do with this?” Fiona barked. </p><p>“Oh come on, Fiona. You've been drilling nonsense schemes into Baz’ head for years. You’re always talking about how the key to defeating the Mage is his heir. Do I have to remind you of the time I caught you sneaking a baby basilisk into Baz’ suitcase?”</p><p>“Dad,” Baz said over the ruckus, “Fiona didn’t have anything to do with this. She didn’t even know about me and Simon until a week ago.”</p><p>“Basil, I know you want to take down the Mage, and we both want your mother’s legacy restored, but seducing the Mage’s heir for information and marrying him is not the way.”</p><p>A hysterical laugh came out of Simon’s mouth. Everyone, who had more or less been ignoring Simon turned their head to him. </p><p>“I’m sorry, Mr. Grimm,” he laughed, “But the idea of Baz seducing me for information is the funniest thing I’ve heard all day, considering the fact that I proposed to Baz.”</p><p>“Dad,” Baz said slowly, “is the only reason you’re objecting to this because you think it’s some sort of plot?”</p><p>“Of course. You’re also way too young, but that pales in comparison to the sort of behaviour you’re exhibiting.”</p><p>Baz let out a light chuckle. </p><p>“Dad, it’s okay. This isn’t any sort of plot or scheme to get back at the Mage. I married Simon because I love him. I’ve loved him for a very long time, and I never told you because I didn’t know if you would approve. I’m top of my class. Fiona’s schemes always failed because I could never bring myself to hurt Simon.” </p><p>“Hey!” Simon butted in, “I can also fend for myself you know. Sword of Mages and all that.”</p><p>Baz ignored his outburst but took Simon’s hand in his, “And I gave him grandfather’s ring because I wanted Simon to know he’s a part of the family. Because I love him.”</p><p>Malcolm was silent for a long time.</p><p>“Okay,” he finally said.</p><p>“Okay?” Baz questioned.</p><p>“Okay. I might not always tell you, but I want you to be happy. And I’m glad you can be yourself, Basil.” He paused, “Although I still think eighteen is far too young to be married.”</p><p>“Mordelia, honey,” Daphne said, “do you want to say grace?”</p><p>And dinner went on as usual. Daphne asked them polite questions about their relationship. Fiona told inappropriate stories to the delight of Mordelia and to the horror of Malcolm. Simon talked about his adventures with Penny. Dev entertained Baz’ littler siblings with football stories. Baz talked about the classes he was taking. Malcolm asked Simon about his career plans and went from being Baz’ scary father to Simon’s scary father-in-law. </p><p>It was all terribly normal, Simon thought. Nothing like how he had envisioned the belly of the beast. And it was nice to feel like he was part of a family. The Mage, his mentor, had scorned him, but the Grimm-Pitches’ accepted Simon without blinking. It would be nice, Simon thought, to have this forever. </p><p>“Can you believe how well that went?” Baz said to him later that night. </p><p>They were both awake and lying in Baz’ bed. (Baz was right, it was big enough for them both. That was the only reason Simon was there.)</p><p>“I mean, he wasn’t even upset that I’d married a guy or even that it was you,” Baz said in amazement as he stared dreamily at the ceiling. Simon rolled over on his side to face Baz. </p><p>“Your family is really nice.”</p><p>“They’re completely insufferable.” Baz rolled his eyes.</p><p>“You love them.”</p><p>“Whatever. I think they love you more than me. It seems that golden boy personality of yours is capable of winning over in-laws.”</p><p>Baz turned his head to the side and gazed at Simon. His face seemed impossibly close. </p><p>“Thank you, Snow, for being here with me. I know I was a right git to you for years, and I know I can still be a right git sometimes. So, thanks.”</p><p>It looked as if there was more he was going to say. But nothing came out. Simon waited. Baz turned away from Simon. </p><p>“Night, Snow.”</p><p>Simon smiled into his pillow. </p><p>“Goodnight, Baz.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>can you tell I hate the mage?  :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h5>Simon </h5>
<p>“I think it’s Simon Snow’s usual shenanigans. He probably accidentally put on some cursed jewelry or something.”</p>
<p>“That’s not true. I heard from a first year whose older sister’s ex-boyfriend’s best friend’s roommate’s sister is in a class with Dev Grimm that Simon Snow is wearing a Pitch family ring.” </p>
<p>“It’s an arranged marriage. My aunt told me the unofficial war has been unofficially called off. The Families and the Mage made a deal.”</p>
<p>“Who told you that nonsense?  Pitch and Snow have been in love for years. Gareth swears he saw Snow follow Pitch in the catacombs for a midnight rendezvous.” </p>
<p>“They share a <em>room</em>, idiot. They don’t need to go anywhere for a secret rendezvous.”</p>
<p>“I heard they got married in a secret ceremony at Pitch manor where Simon Snow pledged to become his vampire bride.”</p>
<p>“That’s rubbish. If you believe Pitch is a vampire you’re gullible enough to believe anything.”</p>
<p>It was all Simon had heard for the past two weeks. Well, not heard exactly. Even though all of Watford may have been gossiping about them, no one actually said anything to Simon’s face. Penny told him a random third year had tried to bribe her for information. Simon thought it was amusing more than anything. But Simon had a plan to end the rumors once and for all. And it involved Baz’ upcoming football game. </p>
<p>“Baz, I heard the crazies rumour about us today.” Simon said as he walked into their room on a Thursday afternoon, “Apparently I’m not the real Simon Snow, I’m only an imposter.”</p>
<p>As soon as his eyes found Baz, he stopped dead in his tracks. </p>
<p>“Baz!” Simon exclaimed, “What the hell are you wearing?” </p>
<p>Baz looked down subconsciously.</p>
<p>“Jeans?”</p>
<p>“You’ve owned jeans this entire time!” </p>
<p>
  <em>Of course Baz would look good in jeans. He looks even better in these than he does in his football shorts, which are already criminal.</em>
</p>
<p>“I don’t understand what the fuss is about. You didn’t actually think I wore my school uniform at home?”</p>
<p>“I dunno. That or some sort of vampire cape.”</p>
<p>“Very funny, Snow.” </p>
<p>“Never mind that. I was thinking-”</p>
<p>“Congratulations.”</p>
<p>“Shut up. I was thinking,” Simon continued, “that I should go to your game tonight.”</p>
<p>“Simon. You always go to my games. And my practices.”</p>
<p>“I mean <em>go to your game</em>. Like, <em>for you</em>.”</p>
<p>“I have no idea what you think you’re implying, but I’m not getting it.”</p>
<p>“Like go as your husband and cheer you on and stuff.” Simon rolled his eyes, annoyed that Baz made him spell it out for him.</p>
<p>“That’s idiotic. And disgusting.”</p>
<p>“But Penny already helped me make a sign,” Simon pouted. He unveiled the poster board he and Penny had decorated earlier that day. It was neon pink and read “I love you Baz” in bold sharpie. The border was framed with blindingly bright glittery hearts. </p>
<p>“Absolutely not. That sign is atrocious.”</p>
<p>“That’s the point! It’s so horribly corny everyone will know we’re a couple.”</p>
<p>“Everyone already knows we’re a couple.” Baz’ voice sounded kind of funny. </p>
<p>“No, everyone <em>suspect</em>s we’re a couple. This is the nail in the coffin, so to speak.”</p>
<p>“Fine. Do what you like.”</p>
<p>“Awesome. I was also thinking I could wear your spare jersey.”</p>
<p>Baz eyes widened. Wordlessly, he dug into his dress and threw some fabric at Simon’s face. Simon removed the shirt he was wearing and tugged the new shirt over his head. </p>
<p>“How do I look?” He grinned. He may be shorter than Baz, but he was also bigger and heavier around the sides. The shirt fit him just fine, but it was a little tight around his arms and chest. </p>
<p>“Hideous,” Baz sneered. </p>
<p>Simon deflated. </p>
<p>“Chin up, Snow. The effort you’re putting into this plot is...commendable.”</p>
<p>“Well, yeah,” Simon said. It was obvious why he was putting so much effort into being Baz’ husband. “It’s all part of the plot. The Mage hasn’t made a move on the Families since we put the plan into action.”</p>
<p>“Of course. The plot.”</p>
<p>“It’s not that hard. I just channel all the effort I used to put into trying to expose your plots and telling everyone how evil you are into this.”</p>
<p>“Right.” Baz scowled. </p>
<p>“It’s funny. I have so much more free time now that we’re married. I used to literally spend hours trying to solve where you were and what you were up to and if you were plotting against me. It drove me mad. And it drove Penny mad, too, because I would talk her ear off about it.”  </p>
<p>“And now you’re talking my ear off.”</p>
<p>Baz grabbed his gear and motioned for the door.</p>
<p>“Wait!” Simon dug the face paint pen out of his pocket, “Can you write on my face for me?”</p>
<p>“What’s the problem, Snow? Can’t trust yourself to read in a mirror.”</p>
<p>“I can read just fine. It’s just easier this way.”</p>
<p>“Fine,” Baz took the pen from hand, “What should I write?”</p>
<p>“I dunno. Your football number? Or ‘Baz #1 fan.’ Something that gets the point across.”</p>
<p>Baz uncapped the pen. With a face of intense concentration, he began to write. Simon began to fidget as Baz leaned closer to him. </p>
<p>“Hold still, Snow,”  Baz cupped a hand around Simon’s face. He must have messed up a bit, Simon noticed, because he suddenly licked his thumb and rubbed a portion of Simon’s cheek. The proximity was making Simon warm. </p>
<p>“I’ll see you at the game, Snow.” Baz smiled. He picked up his bag and began to leave again. Simon found himself smiling as well. Until he happened to glance at himself in the mirror. </p>
<p>To his absolute horror, there were two cartoon dicks on his face. One on each cheek. </p>
<p>“Baz!”</p>
<p>“What? I thought you wanted to get the point across.”</p>
<p>Simon could practically hear him smirking.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>It was no longer just him and Penny and Agatha at their usual meal spot. Now it was him and Penny and Agatha and Baz and Dev and Niall. Somehow their groups had merged without any of them noticing. </p>
<p>Dev certainly didn’t seem to mind (especially on the days Agatha sat with them). And Niall was alright company. Simon discovered that Niall was one of the few mages who kept up with Normal football teams. Despite what Penny and Baz thought, Simon didn’t just go to Baz’ games because he was obsessed with Baz. He also happened to <em>enjoy</em> football. </p>
<p>Without any sort of discussion, it was agreed upon that they ate together from now on. The only person who seemed to mind, strangely, was Baz. </p>
<p>Sometimes he would sit down next to Simon and everything would be just fine. Simon never fed Baz with his fork (“We are not going to be <em>that</em> couple,” Baz had spat out) because of Baz’ fangs and all. But Simon did eat off of Baz plate so that it was less obvious when Baz didn’t eat (and Simon could get seconds without going back in line).</p>
<p>Simon would nudge his shoulder and Baz would roll his eyes and whisper something in his ear to get people gossiping. When Simon was feeling extra bold, he would wrap an arm around Baz’ shoulder. And when he was feeling extra <em>extra</em> daring, he would hold Baz’ hand for their entire length of dinner. Those days were good. Nice. </p>
<p>This was not one of those days. </p>
<p>Baz was in a foul mood, as he sometimes was when Agatha sat with them.</p>
<p>“What about you, Baz?” Penny asked him.</p>
<p>“Hmm? I think it's overrated.” Baz said distantly. Penny’s eyes narrowed.</p>
<p>“You think it’s overrated?”</p>
<p>“I said what I said. It doesn’t matter, Bunce.” </p>
<p>“I asked you what you and Simon are doing for your one-month anniversary.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Baz straightened in his seat. Simon grew concerned.</p>
<p>“Baz,” Simon asked, “Are you feeling alright today?”</p>
<p>“I’m fine.” He scowled. Simon nearly flinched. </p>
<p>“If you’re too grumpy to eat I’m going to steal your scones.” Simon reached over Baz’ plate. (Even on a bad day he still loaded his plate with extra scones for Simon.)  </p>
<p>“What is going on with you,” he whispered at a level only Baz could hear.</p>
<p>“It’s none of your business, Snow.” Baz put extra venom into the last word. </p>
<p>Simon looked at Agatha a few seats away and frowned. He was glad they were able to remain friends after their break-up, but sometimes he dreaded her front row seat of his relationship with Baz. He knew he had been a terrible boyfriend to her. He didn’t want her to think he was a terrible husband as well. </p>
<p>When he looked back, he noticed that Baz was staring at Agatha too. </p>
<p>“I’m going to retire,” Baz stood up suddenly.</p>
<p>“Crowley, Baz,” Dev said, “You don’t need to announce it. You’re not the bloody queen.”</p>
<p>“I’ll come with you,” Simon offered. Baz looked like he wanted to protest. He probably would have, if they were not in the presence of others.</p>
<p>Simon confronted Baz as soon as they were back in their room.</p>
<p>“What the hell was that all about?”</p>
<p>“It doesn’t matter. Trust me.”</p>
<p>“It does matter. You slipped up. You told Penny and everyone that you think anniversaries are overrated and that you don’t care that ours is coming up,” Simon huffed, “Sometimes it’s like you’re not taking this seriously.”</p>
<p>“I’m not taking this seriously?” Baz looked furious, “You’re the one who was making moony eyes at Agatha the whole night. How is that not suspicious?”</p>
<p>“What?” Simon was so surprised he didn’t have it in him to be angry, “Do you think I still have feelings for Agatha?”</p>
<p>“You don’t need to pretend around me, Simon,” Baz said bitterly, “I know our marriage is fake.”</p>
<p>“I don’t understand why you’re bringing Agatha into this.”</p>
<p>Baz sighed. He looked worked up and impossibly distant. Simon hated it. </p>
<p>“It’s okay if you...if you still love her. But if you want to chase after her or whatever, then just divorce me already so I can save myself some dignity.”</p>
<p>Simon felt like he was living in a parallel universe. That made more sense than any scenario in which he divorced Baz for Agatha. </p>
<p>“Have you gone mental? I’m not interested in Agatha.”</p>
<p>Baz narrowed his eyes.</p>
<p>“I see you staring at her all the time. Looking over your shoulder to see how she reacts. I don’t <em>mind</em>,” he said. His tone of voice said otherwise. “I just want you to be honest with me.”</p>
<p>“I am being honest with you. When I look at Agatha, I remember how terrible I was at being her boyfriend and I’m reminded not to fall into those same mistakes with you. I look at Agatha because I don’t want her to think I’m a terrible husband. I don’t want to mess this up.” </p>
<p>“Oh. Well that’s...a nice sentiment.”</p>
<p>“I mean,” Simon continued, “We have to be convincing. If it looks like we’re not a good couple, then the whole thing falls apart.”</p>
<p>“And that’s...the <em>only</em> reason you care so much?” Baz asked him carefully.</p>
<p>“Um, obviously?”</p>
<p>Baz sighed.</p>
<p>“I’m going to - feed. I’ll see you tomorrow.”</p>
<p>By the time Simon realized that Baz had fed the night before, Baz was already out the door.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Simon really, really, really tried to be a good husband. He learned what Baz liked and what he didn’t. He threw his cross out the window the first week of their marriage. He kept the window open, but he gave his extra blanket to Baz. He walked with Baz between classes. He accompanied him and Penn as they studied for hours in the library (Simon’s grades had never been better). </p>
<p>Despite all his efforts, however, some things couldn’t be helped. Simon avoided the use of pet names after the sweetheart incident. But sometimes Simon got so caught up in their plot he got sloppy. </p>
<p>“Can you pass the butter, babe?” Simon asked one night at dinner. </p>
<p><em>Shit</em>. Simon froze before Baz did. </p>
<p>Simon knew the second he slipped up. He couldn’t help himself. It just came out. He tensed, bracing himself from whatever sneering reply or scathing indictment Baz might lay into him. </p>
<p>“Of course,” Baz found his voice after a moment, “<em>Darling</em>.”</p>
<p>Simon accepted the butter with a dumbstruck expression. Now Simon was properly confused. Were pet names allowed, or weren’t they? </p>
<p>“Thanks, <em>love</em>,” he tested the waters. </p>
<p>“Ew,” Niall scoffed, breaking him out of his train of thought, “You two should be illegal.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Dev chimed in, “It was much better when you guys had unresolved homoerotic tension.”</p>
<p>“I think we should implement a fine jar.”</p>
<p>“Um, spousal privilege?” Simon sputtered, because it was the only thing he could think of. </p>
<p>“That’s not what spousal privilege does, Simon,” Penny corrected him. </p>
<p>Simon nodded. Inside he was buzzing and antsy. He tried to get a look out of Baz, but Baz was pretending to be fascinated with his pasta. </p>
<p>He and Baz had always pushed each other. It was a game they often played when they used to be at each other’s throats. A series of increasing aggressions until someone broke first (it was usually Simon). </p>
<p>But this time Simon was determined to win.</p>
<p>“I missed you, <em>babe</em>,” Simon said the following day as he sat next to Baz in Miss Possiblief’s class. </p>
<p>“You saw me ten minutes ago,” Baz muttered. </p>
<p>“But Baz, <em>baby</em>, didn’t you miss me?”</p>
<p>“Not in the slightest.”</p>
<p>Simon wrapped his arm around Baz hip and whispered in his ear.</p>
<p>“I think you’re lying, <em>darling</em>.”</p>
<p>Baz tensed. </p>
<p>“I think,” Baz whispered roughly, “You’re being naughty.”</p>
<p>It was Simon’s turn to tense up. Something in his gut lurched forward. He didn’t know if it was the word <em>naughty</em> or the way Baz had said it, but either way, his body’s physical response was hard to miss.</p>
<p>Simon didn’t trust himself to speak for the rest of class. What he did do, however, was place his hand on Baz’ knee and keep it there. </p>
<p>Once class was dismissed, Baz made his way to football practice. Normally Simon wouldn’t mind watching Baz practice for the full two hours, but he had promised to help Ebb with the goats today. As he said goodbye to Baz, he felt a rush of bravery -  the kind of bravery usually reserved for fighting dragons. </p>
<p>“I’ll see you at the end of practice, love,” Simon leaned forward and pressed his lips against Baz in a chaste kiss, “Look out for me.”</p>
<p>Simon walked away first. And even though it killed him, he didn’t let himself look back. </p>
<p>***</p>
<p>“Baz, you were amazing tonight.” Simon said dreamily, “If the whole vampire thing doesn’t work out, you could seriously be a professional footballer.”</p>
<p>“Rude of you to assume I can’t be both a vampire and a professional athlete.”</p>
<p>They were in their room, sitting on the ground and eating crisps. Simon leaned over with the intention of grabbing another handful and suddenly found himself incredibly close to Baz. </p>
<p>Simon felt hot. He had been running hot for days now. He got like that, sometimes, when he hadn’t gotten off in a while. Which he hadn’t, in a long time. Usually he did it when Baz was out of the room. But they were getting along so much better now, and as a side effect, they were both in the room a lot more. And a side effect of that was that Simon hadn’t wanked in over three weeks. </p>
<p>“Baz,” he whispered.</p>
<p>“Snow,” Baz drawled. His eyes were especially sharp tonight. </p>
<p>A dangerous idea floated around in Simon’s head. </p>
<p>“You know rule number two?”</p>
<p>“Hmm? What’s that?”</p>
<p>“Y’know. The rules we made up. Rule number two: no dating other people.”</p>
<p>“What about it?”</p>
<p>“Well, we can’t see other people. But that doesn’t mean <em>we</em> have to be celibate.”</p>
<p>Baz froze. He turned to Simon. There was something dark and dangerous and hungry in his gaze. Simon wanted nothing more than to find it and pin down.</p>
<p>“What are you implying Snow?” His voice was rough. </p>
<p>Boldly, he reached out and gripped Baz’ hip. The place where his thumb made contact with skin felt electric. Slowly, as not to freak Baz out, Simon brushed the pad of his thumb underneath his shirt. Up and down. He reached the dip of Baz’ hip and pressed in. It was so quiet he could have sworn he heard Baz’ heart rate speed up. Or maybe that was his own. 

</p><p>Feeling confident, he tucked his thumb into the space between his jeans and his pants. Baz gasped. Simon reached for the button on Baz’ jeans and - </p>
<p>And felt himself being suddenly and violently pushed back. He felt like he had just been dumped in ice water. He had no grasp on his bearings or where he was or what direction was up and down. </p>
<p>“Baz,” he breathed, “Shit, I-”</p>
<p>“Don’t, Snow,” Baz’ breathing was laboured. He was panting just as hard as Simon. “Don’t be stupid. We shouldn’t blur what’s real and what isn’t.”</p>
<p>“Baz,” Simon gasped like it was the only thing he knew how to say. </p>
<p>“I’m not going to get you off, Snow.” Baz said sharply. Simon recoiled as if he had just been slapped. “Wank yourself off and get your head on right. I’ll talk to you in the morning.” </p>
<p>Baz left. The door closed with a loud thud. </p>
<p>Simon blinked. Baz had been right there, right under his thumb, mere moments ago. Simon had felt drunk on Baz. On the smell of cedar and bergamot and the cool touch of his skin. <em>I liked him under my thumb. I wanted him like that.</em> </p>
<p><em>I want him</em>, Simon realized.</p>
<p>Simon sank down to the floor. He held his knees to his chest. The arousal that had been pooling in his stomach was quickly turning into shame. He had been pushing off the Am I maybe gay or something question for a while now and it was finally catching up to him. The fact he was practically <em>throbbing</em> moments ago at the possibility of getting off with his very very male roommate pointed to the conclusion that he was at least a little bit gay. (Also, like, the fact that he was married to a dude was kind of a dead giveaway). So the realization wasn’t all that surprising. What was more surprising (and terrifying) was the realization that he was completely, desperately attracted to Baz. </p>
<p><em>Although</em>, a voice in the back of his head said, <em>is it really a surprise? Or are you surprised you only figured it out now? </em></p>
<p>Simon took a deep breath in and an equally deep breath out. It was a breathing technique he sometimes used to calm himself down when he felt like he was going to go off. </p>
<p>Simon did not feel like he was about to go off. The opposite, in fact. He felt as if he gave in and started thinking about all the ways he was <em>hungry</em> for Baz Pitch, he would utterly fall apart and collapse inside himself. </p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Simon woke up to an empty room. Baz’ bed was clearly slept in, meaning he had stealthily snuck in and snuck out while Simon slept. Simon was both disappointed and relieved. </p>
<p>Simon knew one thing for certain. He needed to break rule number one. </p>
<p>“Penny,” he said when he found her half an hour later in the library.</p>
<p>Penny had a very meticulous library table set up. She always checked out all the books she needed at the same time and had them opened by subject and class topic. Her pencil pouch was always prominently displayed with her number 2 pencil out and sharpened. It was a routine that took a good five minutes to set up. (Simon knew. He had timed her once.)</p>
<p>So when Penny took one look at him and shoved her entire set up aside and said, “Let’s go for a walk,” Simon knew he looked like a wreck. </p>
<p>“It’s about Baz, isn’t it?” She deduced as they walked around the moat. </p>
<p>Simon nodded.</p>
<p>“Simon, it’s okay. Couples fight. It’s healthy.” She rubbed his back. </p>
<p>“Baz and I aren’t a couple.”</p>
<p>“What? Are you getting a divorce?”</p>
<p>“No, Penn, you don’t understand.” He looked at her sorrowfully, “Baz and I were never in love. We only got married to stop the Families from going to war with the Mage.”</p>
<p>“Aleister Crowley, why would you do that Simon! What gave you that idea!”</p>
<p>“I don’t know? Rom-coms? YA tropes?” He whined, “And how do you know it was my idea? It could have just as well been Baz’ plot.”</p>
<p>“Only you would come up with a plot as stupid and over-complicated as <em>marrying</em> someone for the sake of magickal politics.”</p>
<p>“The war’s off. So it kind of worked. But you’re right,” Simon kicked at the dirt, “It was stupid. So stupid.”</p>
<p>“What happened?”</p>
<p>“I made a pass at him last night,” Simon said glumly, “And it was only afterwards that I realized I’m desperately attracted to him.”</p>
<p>“Oh, <em>Simon</em>,” Penny said sadly.</p>
<p>“<em>I know</em>. And it’s worse than that. I think I could have feelings for him. Or like, I’ve had feelings for him for a while now but I’m only just realizing it. I used to think the hot feeling I got in my gut when he looked at me was frustration, but it’s arousal. I know because that’s what I felt last night. And now when I think of him my legs turn into jelly and my heart hurts. Do you think-do you think I could…”</p>
<p>Simon trailed off. He couldn’t say it. He didn’t want to say it. <em>Because if it were true, then that would mean...</em></p>
<p>“Simon,” Penny said softly, as if whatever she said might break him, “I've watched you fall in love with Baz Pitch for <em>years</em>.”</p>
<p>There was something wet on Simon’s hand. His tears were spilling over his chin. With a loud, ugly sniffle, Simon broke. He cried into Penny’s arms as she rubbed circles on his back. </p>
<p>He only removed himself from her embrace when he felt as if the tears had run dry. </p>
<p>“I’m in love with Baz Pitch.” </p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“I’ve loved him all this time and I didn’t even know it.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“Nicks and slicks,” Simon gasped, “I proposed to him! I didn’t even ask him on a date or anything! I just skipped all the steps and went straight for the bloody vows!”</p>
<p>“I did think it was strange you didn’t tell me when you started dating him, but I didn’t want to sound, for lack of a better word, butthurt.”</p>
<p>“I thought for sure you’d figure it out. But you believed I could be in love with him so easily. I guess I should have believed you.”</p>
<p>“Probably,” Penny agreed, “But Simon, I know this is a lot for you to take in, but are you sure Baz doesn’t feel some way about you? To go along with a plot as ridiculous as yours he has to be either a little bit braindead of a little bit in love with you too.”</p>
<p>“No,” Simon sniffled, “he was very clear that we keep everything separate. That we know what’s real and what’s not.”</p>
<p>“I mean, maybe…”</p>
<p>“<em>Penny, no</em>. He rejected me last night. Hard. I deserved it. I don’t think he wants anything to do with me.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, Simon.”</p>
<p>“Penny, what am I going to do? I can’t <em>divorce</em> him, or the war will start up again. And I can’t <em>stay</em> married to him.”</p>
<p>“Maybe you should ask Baz what he thinks. Be open. Be honest.”</p>
<p>“I think if I tell him how I feel he’ll ask me for a divorce. And as fucked up as it is, I don’t actually want to get divorced.”</p>
<p>“Si, I think if you do nothing and keep everything you’re feeling bottled up, you’ll only hurt yourself more than you have to.” Penny hugged him, “Divorced or married, you’ll always be Simon to me.” </p>
<p>“Thank you, Penn.” Simon groaned, “Oh god. I’m going to be an eighteen-year-old divorcee.” </p>
<p>…….</p>
<p>When he got back to their room, he expected a fight. Or a cold shoulder. </p>
<p>Instead Baz smiled when he saw Simon. </p>
<p>Simon felt like he’d been punched in the stomach. Looking at Baz under the weight of his realization felt like too much to bear. It was one thing to be around Baz and subconsciously love him. It was an entirely different beast to be around Baz with the knowledge his love was unrequited. </p>
<p>“Have you gotten lunch already?” Baz asked him with a relaxed tilt of the head. </p>
<p>“Um. No.” Now that Baz mentioned it, Simon was starving. </p>
<p>“C’mon.”</p>
<p>Simon reluctantly followed Baz as they journeyed down to the base of the tower. </p>
<p>“Baz,” he started, “About last night…”</p>
<p>“We don’t need to talk about that,” Baz said casually, as if he honestly couldn’t care one way or the other. </p>
<p>“I just wanted to apologize. For the way I <em>assumed things</em>.”</p>
<p>“Apology accepted,” Baz replied without looking at him. Simon opened his mouth to say more, but Baz thrust open the commissary doors. Baz spotted Dev and Niall and power-walked over to them so fast Simon swore he was using vampire speed. </p>
<p>“Dev. Niall.” The two guys nodded in response.</p>
<p>Despite Dev and Niall’s good company, Simon couldn’t find it in himself to pay attention to the direction of the conversation. </p>
<p>As soon as Simon had sat down next to Baz, Baz put his arm around Simon’s shoulder. It was startling, given the complete lack of warmth on the way down from the tower. It made Simon sick with hope. </p>
<p>Simon leaned into Baz’ touch. </p>
<p>Baz moved his arm away. Simon mourned the loss of touch as if it were a limb. </p>
<p>When the meal was over, Simon found himself deeply troubled. He and Baz had sat next to each other for the duration of the entire meal. They had joked with their friends as if it were any other day. Yet Simon still felt as if he were being choked by the weight of their unresolved conversation. </p>
<p><em>Maybe I can let myself enjoy this</em>, Simon thought to himself as he focused on the sensation of Baz’ touch and the cool weight of his gaze. <em>I can enjoy this while it lasts. </em></p>
<p>He made a vow to talk to Baz - properly talk to him - as soon as they were alone. </p>
<p>And yet, nearly ten hours later, nothing had changed. Simon hadn’t gotten a chance to talk to Baz properly all day. After lunch, they worked on a group project Baz insisted they start today of all days, even though it wasn’t due for another month. And after that, Baz ran drills with some of his mates on the team. By the time that was over with, dinner had rolled around and Simon found himself once again surrounded by people who were not Baz. </p>
<p>It was totally infuriating. Despite hanging out with each other for the entirety of the day, Simon never had a window to really talk to Baz. </p>
<p>It was only when Simon snuck down to the kitchens to grab extra scones that he pieced it together. </p>
<p>
  <em>Baz was avoiding being alone with him. </em>
</p>
<p>On a surface level, everything was perfectly okay between them. They hadn’t fought or argued or even so much as glared at each other all day. </p>
<p>Simon couldn't stand it.</p>
<p>As Simon made his way back up the tower, his sense of certainty grew stronger and stronger. He pushed open the door. Baz startled when Simon walked into their room with a purpose. </p>
<p>They locked eyes but didn't say anything. Simon leaned back against the door. He drinks Baz in, from his widow’s peak to his long legs. Simon let himself imagine a scenario in which he doesn’t say anything to Baz, ever. He could quietly continue to love Baz and selfishly keep him close (and single) until his heart gives out (can you die from heartache? Simon thinks the answer should be yes). </p>
<p>It’s terribly tempting. But Baz deserved the truth. And Simon needed to face the truth. </p>
<p>It was time to get divorced. </p><h5>Baz</h5><p>“I’m sorry. This was a mistake. I’ve made a huge mistake,” his husband Simon Snow proclaimed. </p>
<p>Baz had been expecting these exact words since Simon first proposed this stupid, stupid plot in the first place. Not only expecting, but <em>waiting</em>. Waiting for Simon Snow, the Chosen One, the Golden Boy, the Mage’s heir, the most powerful mage alive, to realize he made the worst mistake of his life and beg for Baz to call it off. So when Simon entered their room and told Baz that their marriage was a mistake, he wasn’t surprised. Not in the slightest. </p>
<p>(It didn’t make his heart break any less). </p>
<p>Baz sighed. </p>
<p>“Okay.”</p>
<p>“I’ve- wait, what?”</p>
<p>“I said okay, Snow. If you want to end this, to get a divorce or whatever, it’s alright.” Baz was tired. Baz sounded tired. </p>
<p>Maybe a divorce would do them both some good. It would let Snow pursue people he actually liked instead of the vampire he was stuck with. And it would allow Baz to exhale. This whole time, Baz was dreading the day Simon would realize he wanted a divorce. Now that it was actually happening, maybe the tight coil of desperation and anxiety around his heart would finally unwind. </p>
<p>“Do <em>you</em> want a divorce?”</p>
<p>Baz was suddenly reminded of a similar but rather useless conversation outside of a dingy church. </p>
<p>“Maybe,” he said, as if he had any idea what he wanted (besides Simon. He always wanted Simon). “I told you the day we got married, if you want out, I won’t stop you.”</p>
<p>“I don’t <em>want</em> to get a divorce. But I think we might have to, after you hear what I have to say.” Simon took a deep breath in, “Baz. I am obsessed with you. Always have been. Everyone knows it.</p>
<p>“And I had opinions on <em>everything</em> you did. How you walked. How you dressed. The product you use in your hair. And I would complain about you to Penny and Agatha and the Mage and Ebb and anyone who would listen. But I now realize that what I was actually doing was rambling on about the guy that I had an all-consuming crush on. </p>
<p>“Baz, I think I came up with this whole stupid plot because I had no idea what I would do if you weren’t in my future. And when you agreed to it, I didn’t even stop to think about why I was so ridiculously happy that you had agreed to marry me. Crowley, I shouldn’t have asked you to marry me. I should have asked you on a date like a normal person. But maybe, subconsciously, a date didn’t seem like enough because I don’t just fancy you or find you attractive. I know we’ve been throwing around ‘I love you’ left and right to anyone that can hear it, but I really, truly do mean it when I say that <em>I love you</em>, Baz.”</p>
<p>Baz couldn't speak. Nothing he could say could convey the way he felt in this moment.</p>
<p>“Oh. You can have your family ring back.” Simon began to take it off, which finally jumpstarted Baz’ brain.</p>
<p>“Keep it.”</p>
<p>“Huh.” Simon stared at him dumbly with his mouth partially open (mouth breather).  </p>
<p>“I said,” Baz stepped forward until he was close enough for Simon to touch, “keep the bloody ring because there is no way in hell I’m ever letting you divorce me.”</p>
<p>“Huh?” Simon repeated. </p>
<p>Baz cupped Simon’s face in his hands. </p>
<p>“Simon Snow, I’m going to tell you a secret. Everything I said in my vows? The cover story we told everyone? The fact that I’ve been hopelessly in love with you since fifth year? It’s all true.”</p>
<p>And with that, he kissed Simon snow like his life depended on it.  </p>
<p>Simon reciprocated in earnest almost immediately. Only to pull back moments later.</p>
<p>“Wait, <em>what?</em>” Simon looked so confused (it was adorable). </p>
<p>“Yes, yes. Catch up Snow. I’ve been in love with you this entire time. Longer, actually.”</p>
<p>“Then why did - last night?” </p>
<p>“Simon, I’ve been in love with you for <em>years</em>. Every interaction we had was fucking with my head, blurring the line between reality and my innermost domestic marital bliss fantasies. When you implied that we could do <em>more</em>, I didn’t want to be just an available body you went after because I was <em>convenient.</em>”</p>
<p>“Baz,” Simon leaned up to kiss him once, twice, three times, “You’re not convenient at all. You’re an annoying git half the time but you’re the only person I want. No one even comes close.”</p>
<p>When Baz looked at him his eyes were brighter than he’d ever seen them.</p>
<p>“Simon, I think you owe me a wedding night.”</p>
<p>Simon smiled against his husband’s (<em>!!!</em>) lips before pulling back. </p>
<p>“Wait. There’s something I need to do.”</p>
<p>“Simon,” Baz whined. </p>
<p>“I know we’re technically already married and we only started properly dating like two minutes ago, but we threw convention out the window ages ago. So, before we do anything else…”</p>
<p>Simon dropped to his knees.</p>
<p>“Baz, will you marry me? For real this time?”</p>
<p>“Of course I’ll marry you, you bloody git,” He smiled, “It’s all I ever wanted to do.”</p>
<p>He pulled Simon up off the floor and wrapped him in his arms in one fluid motion. </p>
<p>“You know what this means? Mordelia can finally get her second wedding.”</p>
<p>Simon felt a huff of laugher against his cheek.</p>
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